"I am at a loss to conceive how a man should permit himself to write anything that would be truly disgraceful to a woman, or why a woman should be censured for writing anything that would be proper and becoming for a man."

10 September 2013

Dracula Bingo!

Or: Why I’m going to need gallons of alcohol in order to make it through this show. 
 (And yes, I've read the book. Repeatedly. So several gripes will be of a strictly canonical nature.)


Unchecked dramatic pauses such as: “Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you tonight… POWER!”
Dramatic pauses of such nature are only allowed from one person.

Dracula as sexy-romantic (anti)hero.
"Sometimes, the people we are meant for take us by surprise."


Lengthy tracking and/or close up shots of Dracula watching people

Overt attempts at inserting modern feminism ideals into female characters (who will still probably fall in love with the mass murderer known as Sexy-Drac)

Dracula licking/wiping his lips

Non-canonical romances

Dracula as over-protective stalker douche (but I’m sexy and ily so it’s OK, right bby?

References to immortal love of any kind (including the ‘immortality is a curse I would never bestow upon you’ spiel -- usually followed by making said beloved immortal)

References to Dracula not eating or drinking

Bosoms heaving for no other reason than boobs look awesome when stuffed inside corsets

Anytime a character comments on a new invention of the ‘modern age’

Dracula is talked about/portrayed as the ‘mysterious American’ (and if they don’t keep that facade for long, then being the ‘mysterious foreigner’)

Random shots of predatory/ominous animals (yes, including bats and wolves -- if they don’t actually interact with people ever and serve a real purpose but are just there for ‘mood’)

Dracula described as ‘unlike anyone I’ve ever met’ or any variation thereupon

Heavy fog orgy

Van Helsing being crazier/more manic than Renfield

Complete annihilation of canonical character traits (Lucy as a sex pot)

Insertion of contemporary music (this includes original score that features synthesizers and/or electric guitar)

Anyone seductively consumes food or drink


Bad vampire makeup

Recreational drug use

Use of creative ‘swearing’ or ‘cursing’

Ridiculous rationalizations/explanations for people dying

So, in order to cope with this insanity, I did what any rational modern viewer would do: I made a BINGO game! Copy it. Print it. Share and drink to it with friends



    All of those things... will be done. You know it. I know it. Yet, still, we'll watch it.

    1. 100% True.
      Thus, I plan on being well stocked with wine and having my bingo card at the ready every week :)


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