"I am at a loss to conceive how a man should permit himself to write anything that would be truly disgraceful to a woman, or why a woman should be censured for writing anything that would be proper and becoming for a man."
Re-read The Shining before Doctor Sleep comes out, I said.
You'll want the refresher, I said.
Don't pay any attention to the terrifyingly accurate depictions of addiction, I said.
You won't be emotionally traumatised by the concept that Danny Torrance succumbs to alcoholism as an adult despite his absolute horror of it as a child, I said.
The relationship between Jack, Wendy, and Danny will not emotionally destroy you as it has the previous three times you've read this book, I said.
Or: Why I’m going to need gallons of alcohol in order to make it through this show.
(And yes, I've read the book. Repeatedly. So several gripes will be of a strictly canonical nature.)
Unchecked dramatic pauses such as: “Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you tonight… POWER!”
Dramatic pauses of such nature are only allowed from one person.
Dracula as sexy-romantic (anti)hero. "Sometimes, the people we are meant for take us by surprise."
Lengthy tracking and/or close up shots of Dracula watching people
Overt attempts at inserting modern feminism ideals into female characters (who will still probably fall in love with the mass murderer known as Sexy-Drac)
Dracula licking/wiping his lips
Non-canonical romances
Dracula as over-protective stalker douche (but I’m sexy and ily so it’s OK, right bby?
References to immortal love of any kind (including the ‘immortality is a curse I would never bestow upon you’ spiel -- usually followed by making said beloved immortal)
References to Dracula not eating or drinking
Bosoms heaving for no other reason than boobs look awesome when stuffed inside corsets
Anytime a character comments on a new invention of the ‘modern age’
Dracula is talked about/portrayed as the ‘mysterious American’ (and if they don’t keep that facade for long, then being the ‘mysterious foreigner’)
Random shots of predatory/ominous animals (yes, including bats and wolves -- if they don’t actually interact with people ever and serve a real purpose but are just there for ‘mood’)
Dracula described as ‘unlike anyone I’ve ever met’ or any variation thereupon
Heavy fog orgy
Van Helsing being crazier/more manic than Renfield
Complete annihilation of canonical character traits (Lucy as a sex pot)
Insertion of contemporary music (this includes original score that features synthesizers and/or electric guitar)
Anyone seductively consumes food or drink
FLASHBACK
Bad vampire makeup
Recreational drug use
Use of creative ‘swearing’ or ‘cursing’
Ridiculous rationalizations/explanations for people dying
So, in order to cope with this insanity, I did what any rational modern viewer would do: I made a BINGO game! Copy it. Print it. Share and drink to it with friends
In hopes that I can start complimenting myself on the little victories that lead to better productivity, instead of focusing on what I didn't accomplish. Because on the surface, I could tell myself that I spent the majority of my day on the computer, in front of my TV, watching Harry Potter. Sure, that is a summation of what occurred, but damn, isn't that horribly depressing? (Yes. Yes it is.) So here's what I actually did today: Caught up on emails and twitter before really getting out of bed. Did dishes, cleaned out the fridge, wiped down the counters, made fridge-pantry-cleaning mac n cheese. Cleaned up the living room, took out the trash & recycling, got and sorted/read the mail from the week. Arranged to have dinner with my former roomie later this week. Arranged to go see a kickass movie with a new friend tomorrow afternoon. Spent time planning blog posts for the book series, put in a bit of twitter and tumblr time on the series' social media. Responded to 10 inquiries on the writing advice site I work as an administrator on. Joined 8tracks -- will explore more later, but at least I have the music from Hannibal playlist saved. Caught up on Under the Dome (Barbie, NOOOOOO!) and Graceland (between that and the series finale of Burn Notice, Thursday is going to be a very intense evening). Went to the grocery store for essentials and gas money. So yeah, I think I actually won the day.
Welcome to a Friday afternoon in this office, courtesy of this video and Twitter:
·Coworker 1: So, I've been thinking a lot about this Syrian crisis
and...crap...hold on... WHAT THE FOX SAY!!!! RING-DING-DING-DINGERINGEDING!!! #ylvis
I know... it's been a long time. I wish I could say many important, cool, exciting, and/or life-altering things have occurred in my absence, but that would be an utter lie.
However, in the next few weeks I plan to resurrect this blog as a place to air some creative/life grievances and offer some opinions and silliness and fangirling and ranting over the upcoming fall season of new (and returning shows.
First up: Dracula Bingo! (Or, Why I'm Going to Need Gallons of Alcohol to Survive This Show)
Coming really, really soon...
