As a movie experience, it seemed never-ending. However, that probably had to do with the fact that a minute into it I had to start live-blogging the whole film. So two hours of never ending cheese turned into about four and a half. Still, here are the fruits of my labor. If anyone actually gets every reference in here, I will personally donate ten dollars to the non-profit cause of your choice. Seriously.
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| Making Titans into a foosball set = worst marketing ever. |
The movie opens
with an ancient, less spacey-wacey looking Pandorica containing foosball warriors. The box is guarded by either weeping angel statues or
trolls turned to stone. Or maybe the quadruplet love children of the two. A
mysterious figure sends a sparkly arrow into the foosball Pandorica and in this
first minute we know this movie will focus on cool visuals that will likely
serve no real purpose.
Cut to the girl
from Slumdog Millionaire waking up, panting, flanked in bed by three other ethnic
ladies. Frieda, she is an oracle and the others are apparently the rest of
Destiny’s Child to her Beyoncé. She woes about the foosball warriors (aka
Titans) being set free by a magic arrow loosed from Legolas’ Sparkly Bow, and a
four way hug ensues.
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| Lest you think I make any of this up... |
The Great
Dragon* VOs over the titles and there’s a pictograph motion comic trying to
happen here, but without Merlin to look puzzled and/or angry about the story it
doesn’t really make sense.
Post
picto-intro, we’re introduced to King Hyperion and his army who are trying to
break up Destiny’s Child’s quadro-hug. We know Hyperion is evil by his size,
his mask, his spiny armour, his gravelly tone, and his propensity for making
bad puns while torturing priests. Also, it’s Mickey Rourke.
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| Scarred face: Check. Spiny gold armor: check. Insane past: wrote the book |
Meanwhile, in
some tiny insignificant fishing village on a cliff, the Great Dragon harps on
Superman for his inadequacy in hacking wood while sermonizing about protecting
the weak. Superman makes weird spear jokes with his mom, who has just returned
from a prayer meeting where everyone calls her out on being a whore with a
Kryptonian son, and everyone is uncomfortable. Said spear jokes are made more
awkward when the next cut reveals Superman sleeping in the same room as mommy
dearest. They are both awoken by the Sound of Drums (no, not those drums,
sadly), and Superman must leap shirtless from his bed and spearfully run off to
discover why the noise.
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| I am a poor, shirtless man with a spear and I demand respect for my life choices! |
Shirtless Superman holds mummy close as the general
captain of the tiny fishing village full of buff soldiers have the situation man-splained
to them. Hyperion bad. Oracle taken. Village must evacuate. An angry pre-hybrid
Klaus pulls the generic redshirt ‘we’re all doomed’ routine but is quickly
pulled away by some compelled fangirls.
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| Hey girl, I heard you like immortality. Playing in Immortals wasn't enough for me. I'mma become one. |
During the
evacuation, typical class distinctions divide the villagers. Superman’s
shirtlessness and overt attachment to mom mean he must wait an extra day with
the social lepers and mouth breathers before following those with more money
for shirts and less oedipal attachments. Superman takes issue with this, as
well as with being called a WatersSnowRiversStone and a fight breaks out.
Before Superman can pwn the day and rid the movie of Redshirt Klaus, the
general captain promises Superman capable soldiers to escort the poor, oedipal,
mouth breathing bastards. Superman is offered a place in the manly,
breastplated army, but turns it down so he can go back to hugging mom.**
Emo Redshirt
Klaus recovers from his near-skewering by gazing gloomily into the
distance and sketching Superman being forced to watch other men hug his mom.
The general captain sees these sketches and kicks Emo Redshirt Klaus out of the
army and into the not so loving arms of the mouth breathing social lepers.
Meanwhile,
Superman tries to convince the Great Dragon to leave the village before the
giant spiny tortoise that is Mickey Rourke attacks. The Great Dragon refuses on
the grounds that only a dragonlord can make him leave and a dragonlord Superman
ain’t. He then tries to impart some wisdom to Superman, but as it has nothing to
do with spears or his mom, Superman just looks puzzled.
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| Mom wants grandkids, but I'm not supposed to sleep with her to get them? I don't understand. |
A couple of
redshirt soldiers nibble around a fire with some exposition chatter until
Rebellious Emo Redshirt Klaus skewers them all to ensure his eventual redshirt
death is meaningful. As he pushes the final guy off a cliff under a full moon,
a wolf howls in the distance (no, really) and Rebellious Emo Redshirt Klaus
begins plotting on how to become a hybrid.
The Great Dragon
can obviously radiate heat since he no sooner snorts out candles than he transforms
into Zeus: The Hottest Lady Loving God Ever. (Now how do we get that transformation to happen on Merlin?!?) Athena pops out from her
disguise as a naked statue and Zeus reveals he’s been masquerading as
Superman’s mentor because he admires the Kyptonian’s courage, strength, and
devotion to his mummy. The world needs an oedipal Superman to defeat the Spiny
Tortoise and lo! this one is even shirtless.
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| King of the gods? More like King of My Ovaries. |
Elsewhere the
Spiny Tortoise’s army prepares to war on the tiny insignificant fishing village
on a cliff while one of the soldiers roasts marshmallows under an iron
bull’s nuts. (I don’t make this shit up.) Traitorous Rebellious Emo
Redshirt Klaus questions the soldier’s culinary skills and thus is shoved by an
early crafting of Gendry’s bull helm (supposedly this is the Minotaur, but the SFX budget was apparently blown on sparkly arrows), then down to the Spiny Gravelly-Voiced
Tortoise’s lair where he is forced to kneel in front of a bright red lamp for
dramatic effect and foreshadowing.
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| This lighting really highlights my sanguine personality. |
They Kurtz their way through a conversation
wherein Rebellious Emo Redshirt Klaus tries to convince the Spiny Tortoise
(who’s eating Renly’s peach, btw) of how important the tiny insignificant
fishing village on a cliff is to the world, but all Kurtz Rourke wants is
Legolas’ Sparkly Bow. Beyoncé, she knows where to find it, but no one will tell
him where she at. Kurtz Rourke nonetheless deems Traitorous Rebellious Emo
Redshirt Klaus too pretty to kill yet, so he uses his powers of evil (aka his
quiet, gravelly, somber timbre and personal servant, Gregor Bolton) to gash up
TRERK’s face and make a Reek out of his male anatomy.
In the morning,
Shirtless Superman goes in search of the Great Dragon with his spear, but finds
only a flashback to his childhood: whacking a tree with a stick while the Great
Dragon philosophizes about finding one’s rhythm. Back in the now, the Great
Eagle soars overhead on its way to Mordor or Orthanc, and Shirtless Superman
knows this is a sign that Winter War Gregor is coming. Sure
enough, the remaining villagers are being skewered by the Bloody Mummers and
Shirtless Superman must spear his way to mommy. The special effects do most of
the work and just to solidify Shirtless Superman’s impotence, he is netted by
Gregor’s group while Kurtz Rourke slits mommy’s throat wearing a helm that is
obviously part of a bronzed lobstrosity killed on the shores of Mid-World.
Rather than kill Shirtless Superman, Kurtz Rourke saves him to work in the salt
mines – so he can serve some real men, if you catch my drift…
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| Roland Deschain ain't got nothing on me, mothereffers. |
Up in the
shirtless heavens, the gods talk about having ethics and morals, but Zeus the
Bard maintains they must all keep those feelings in check lest this movie turn
into an episode of Xena. His outdated reference is lost on his pouty-lipped
children and they whine about what could happen if Kurtz Rourke obtains
Legolas’ Sparkly Bow. Frustrated that no one got his Xena reference, Zeus
threatens death to any god that interferes with the humans.
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| Later, Zeus had a quiet cry because he still misses Iolaus |
Shirtless
Superman stumbles through a desert in chains with a giant piece of wood. He and
his fellow wood-toting prisoners are herded toward an enclosed oasis tower with
its own spa and recording studio. Beyoncé trips over Sweaty Shirtless Superman,
causing a vision of him holding Legolas’ Sparkly Bow, bromancing with Kurtz
Rourke in a rickety boat trying to surf tidal waves. She mutters some cryptic
bootylicious speak before adjourning to the spa waters where she is hit on by
Stephen Dorff. She then goes back and drips water from her mouth into Sweaty
Shirtless Superman’s and the spread of who knows how many germs is apparently
supposed to look sexy.
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| It's all sexy time until someone catches an incurable disease. |
That night, the girls perform a death-apella version of
“Bootylicious” for the guards and in the building mass grave confusion send Beyoncé
off with Sweaty Shirtless Superman, Stephen Dorff, and a mute priest who was
tortured by Kurtz Rourke’s bad puns. Bonding around the escapee campfire,
Sweaty Shirtless Superman sniffs out Beyoncé’s clairvoyance and they share a
mutual pout over their woeful lives. Beyoncé, she can never have sex or her
hideous visions of the future will disappear, and Sweaty Shirtless Superman
will never get to sex up his mom to give her the grandchildren she always
wanted. And don't even get them started on their options for Yule Ball dates. They are in such a pickle.
Back with Kurtz
Rourke, the rest of Destiny’s Child is being rape-talked into giving up
Beyoncé, yet they pull a Spartacus and all claim to be her. Kurtz Rourke
doesn’t like any of this, so he won’t put a ring on it.
Back at the
escapee camp, Shirtless Superman takes offence to Beyoncé being called a whore,
but is perfectly willing to abandon her in his quest for revenge. Stephen
Dorff, meanwhile, wants to head down south to the ladies, and head south on
Beyoncé.
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| Horny Stephen Dorff, oedipal Superman, Beyonce, and a mute priest... humanity is doomed. |
The gods watch
as Shirtless Superman and his band of redshirts Superfriends try to liberate a ship to carry
them all to the lair of Kurtz Rourke. All looks bleak until
Poseidon, tired of stroking his trident all day, swan dives with a triple Lutz
into the ink sea and kicks up a tidal wave. This saves the Superfriends and
destroys their enemies… along with all the ships and any chance they have of
gangbanging Beyoncé on their way to Kurtz Rourke. She cockteases them all by
using the one spring of non-ink water to shower under. Oily Shirtless Superman
asks Beyoncé for a vision, then verbally bitch slaps her when she relates the
one she had with him holding Legolas’ Sparkly Bow, bromancing with Kurtz Rourke
in a rickety boat trying to surf tidal waves. Beyoncé retaliates with the power
of faith through guilt and tells Oily Shirtless Superman if he wishes his mommy
everlasting peace, he better bury her. Because can you imagine the mess if she
became a zombie and then he got his
full Oedipus on?
Meanwhile,
Gendry stokes the coals under the iron bull while the Bloody Mummers bring
puppies to Kurtz Rourke, hoping it will ease the news that Beyoncé and the
Superfriends escaped them. Kurtz Rourke sends Gendry after the Superfriends and
decides the fun she is over: he is heading to Tartarus where the foosball
Titans are stashed because, damnit, he’s a busy guy and that Sparkly Bow is
just going to have to come to him.
Overcome by
guilt and violin music, Superman returns home to bury his momma in the church
where the other women called her a whore -- because she would want to be buried in a
place of love and respect. While soliloquizing to her corpse about the family
line, he punches the wall in sexual frustration, uncovering Legolas’ Sparkly
Bow. Gendry quickly leaps from the shadows, before Superman can conceive of the
Bow’s sparkly properties. Gendry then kicks Superman’s ass all over the rose
petal strewn crypt.
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| Don't insult Gendry's skill as a blacksmith... |
Yet eventually Superman manages to bury Gendry’s cleaver in
the back of his neck. Gendry dies on a bed of rose petals and then Superman
decapitates him.
Superfriends
Theology Chat Show is interrupted by an ambush from the godless as Superman
struggles through the crypts, burdened by the weight of weaponry, Gendry’s head
/ helm, and his shirt. He emerges just in time to send magic arrows from
Legolas’ Sparkly Bow into the throats of the Superfriends’ captors. The Great
Eagle observes all as Superman pitches Gendry’s helmed head off the cliff.
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| The bow must have psychic arrows because Superman's form is TERRIBLE. |
Shirtless
Superman wakes up in his mom’s bed, his arm apparently poisoned by the antlers
on Gendry’s helm. Or just an intense allergic reaction to having to fight in a
shirt. Beyoncé tries to comfort him, but Shirtless Superman just wants to curl
up in mommy’s bed alone… until she shows him how bootylicious she could be as a
solo artist. Then they do it in mom’s bed. Bye-bye visions, hello flourishing
solo career.
During their
afterglow the next morning, Stephen Dorff swoons over them both as they embark
for Kurtz Rourke’s lair. Kurtz Rourke, he
ain’t there. He’s standing in front of The Wall as Traitorous Rebellious Emo
Redshirt Klaus tries to convince him of the wildlings, grumpkins, snarks, and Others
who live beyond The Wall. The reference is lost on Kurtz Rourke, so they press
on toward the ‘gate’ of The Wall.
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| You know nothing, Kurtz Rourke. |
At Kurtz
Rourke’s lair, the rest of Destiny’s Child roasts in harmony inside the iron
bull. Beyoncé cries convincingly at the site of their charred bodies still
trying to stay together as a group. Superman and the Superfriends deliberately
run into a pit ambush where Legolas’ Sparkly Bow is snatched by one of Kurtz
Rourke’s puppies. They all look to be slaughtered until Ares flits down to rescue
them and Athena shows up with magical galloping horses. Rescue and salvation are
assured until a firework crashes down from the heavens and the earth trembles
under the force of Zeus the Bard’s awesome abs (as well it should). He
bitch-whips Ares into hades, then man-splains everything to Superman: bitch, you
on your own – and don’t fuck this up. The Superfriends take off on the magic
horses, following the Great Eagle to The Wall.
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| You get your ass to the Wall and sort out your bastard problems. Zeus out! |
Meanwhile, rather than actually make progress, Kurtz Rourke
fiddles with Legolas’ Sparkly Bow, frolics with puppies, and gouges out the eyes
of his lookout.
A funeral,
complete with Royal Wedding style hats, is held for Ares while Zeus the Bard
weeps the hottest man or god has ever wept.
Superman and the
Superfriends arrive at The Wall to find not soldiers, but weak men, bastards,
and thieves. They then realize why, vow of celibacy or not, no one finds honor
in serving at The Wall anymore.
Traitorous
Rebellious Emo Redshirt Klaus and Kurtz Rourke have another convo about
Superman, intercut with Superman and Beyoncé explaining to the current Lord
Commander how Kurtz Rourke got a hold of Legolas’ Sparkly Bow. The Lord
Commander, probably related to Janos Slynt, poo-poos any talk of Sparkly Bows,
lobstrosity helms, grumkins, or undead wildling armies, and plans to negotiate
with Kurtz Rourke in order to avoid fighting. On cue, Kurtz Rourke’s envoy
shows up, demanding parlay with Superman Snow, and Beyoncé’s surfer bromance
vision seems imminent. Kurtz Rourke hangs in the shadows (like he does) and
parlays with Superman Snow, offering to be his daddy – no more bastardy, only
the panicked squeals of the dying bodies piling up around their new happy
family. Superman Snow spits on the offer and returns to The Wall and
Superfriends, a proud bastard until the day he dies. Tomorrow, they battle!
Possibly
rethinking this decision, that night Superman Snow mopes as he looks beyond The
Wall, then reluctantly dons armour, becoming more than a shirtless bastard
peasant. He’s now an empowered shirtless bastard peasant with Superfriends, who
really aren’t that super.
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| We've got bastards, weak old men, and a self-obsessed pop star. The wildlings have Kurtz Rayder. We.are.fucked. |
Kurtz Rayder
prepares the wildling army for battle and, using Legolas’ Sparkly Bow, blasts a
giant hole in The Wall. Woe is the Night’s Watch until Superman Snow inspires
them by rapping to sword-on-shield beats. Everyone runs
headlong into a tunnel fight where Superman Snow uses bootylicious moves to
rack up a high body count. Somehow Kurtz Rayder slips up to the Lord Commander’s
chambers and skewers him without a word. Negotiation fail. In the tunnels,
Traitorous Rebellious Emo Redshirt Klaus shouts Superman Snow’s name to ensure
his own skewering is meaningful. Finally free of this movie, he can start
daggering his siblings so he can maintain his Traitorous Rebellious Emo
attitude for another few centuries.
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| You think your mom issues are complicated? Mine turned my entire family into vampires, I killed her, and now her reanimated corpse wants us ALL dead. I gotta get out of this movie, Superman! |
Kurtz Rayder
manages to arrow the keystone of The Wall, starting a slow crumbling within the
tunnels. Knowing they must escape or risk the most un-hot death of the crushed,
Superman and the Superfriends rush upwards towards Beyoncé, and then beyond
when she hardly acknowledges all their hard work and can only worry about how
bad her hair looks with all this dirt falling on it. The battling heroes
finally make it to where the foosball Titans are stored with their weeping
angel troll guardians just in time to see Kurtz Rayder arrow them free.
Superman Snow is
disoriented by the release of foosballers from their caged table and must
remove his armour to sort it all out in his mind, unencumbered by the weight of
anything on his chest. Stephen Dorff is actually being useful and has managed to
get Legolas’ Sparkly Bow away from Kurtz Rayder. He waves it for Superman Snow
to come retrieve when he is trampled by the foosball Titans for serving a real
purpose. Superman Snow kneels in confusion, not understanding how any of this
happened without him. Just when it seems all is lost to utter ridiculousness,
the gods swoosh down, led by the immaculately chiseled Zeus the Bard, armed
with Ares' giant hammer. (All right, I’m just going to say it: the hammer is his
penis.)
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| They had to put him in the back so his 'hammer' wouldn't eclipse all else. |
Zeus the Bard
slams Legolas’ Sparkly Bow into oblivion with his hammer, then orders
disoriented Superman Snow to go kill Kurtz Rayder so this movie can end already
and Zeus the Bard can go live manly ever after, shooting arrows with Legolas.
Superman Snow runs off and the gods have a smackdown with their foosball cousins.
Zeus the Bard manages to gut and destroy four of them in three seconds with a
random length of chain he pulls out from some cuffs on the wall. Yeah, that’s
the king of the gods, bitches.
Superman Snow
stumbles his way into Kurtz Rayder’s knife half a dozen times as the
foosballers take out some of the lesser gods. Their deaths, although unseen by
Superman Snow, give him the strength to start wailing on Kurtz Rayder and we
jump cut the hell out of these two fights until Superman Snow’s multiple stab
wounds finally make him dizzy and he must slow-mo down his fight.
Meanwhile, Zeus
the Bard continues wrecking Titans with the simple, mortal crafted chain from
the wall, and when one gets close enough to grab for his foot, Zeus the Bard
slams that foot through the foosball Titan’s chest. Through. It. Just… sex me
now.
Superman Snow is
literally getting the seven bells knocked out of him (all right, I think the
score only rang five bells) just as Athena gets skewered and Zeus the Bard ceases
all badass chain fighting to be at her side. Badass warrior and loving family
man – be still my heart.
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| Now this is an incestual relationship I'd get in on, if you know what I mean |
As she dies without ever getting to kiss her daddy,
Zeus the Bard mournfully climbs on top of the Pandorica as his remaining kin
fight for their lives. Using his fabulous pecs and arm muscles, he pulls down
the entire mountain, collapsing it on himself, his kin, and the foosball
Titans.
Meanwhile,
Superman Snow has slow-fought enough and finally shoves Kurtz Rayder’s knife
into our villain’s neck. Revenge complete, Superman dies.
Yet Zeus the
Bard in all his awesome hotness manages to flash out with Athena’s body before
sending the entire wildling army into the depths of Mordor under the crushing
mountain.
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| Screw you guys, I'm going to Laketown to fight me a dragon! |
Decade-ish Later
Epilogue: The Great Dragon narrates a relief sculpture tale around Shirtless
Superman Snow’s tomb as mama Beyoncé looks on. When Superman Snow’s own bastard
son touches the 3-D lobstrosity helm, he sees visions of war. Not to fret, the
Great Dragon in flesh is there to impart cryptic futures to the boy. Beyoncé’s
been too busy getting her nails done to overhear, but calls her son away when
she sees the Great Dragon within kissing distance of her kid. Superman Snow’s
bastard closes his eyes to visions of his daddy and Zeus the Bard rocking it in
the heavens with a new army of gods and Superfriends.
And they all
lived violently ever after.
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| I don't even have words for this silliness... |
* Yes, I am fully
aware of John Hurt’s long and varied career, but the presence of magic, VOs,
and the character’s penchant for imparting wisdom the main character doesn’t
understand lends itself to Merlin
references.
** I searched and searched for images of how creepily close Theseus and his mom get, but to no avail. Trust me, though, it's like there's a neon sign above the two flashing 'oedipal relationship' the whole time.
And, if you couldn't tell, I'm kind of madly in love with Luke Evans.
I meant what I said about the donation. The first person, if such an one exists, to cite every reference will be granted a $10 donation to the non-profit of their choice. I would say no cheating by google-pedia-ing, but it's for a good cause, so I DO NOT encourage it but it's not like I can stop you.
