"I am at a loss to conceive how a man should permit himself to write anything that would be truly disgraceful to a woman, or why a woman should be censured for writing anything that would be proper and becoming for a man."

14 September 2010

Holy Vampires, Jarvis!

Herein begineth my assessment of the Priest trailer...

The opening shots look like Equilibrium meets Blade Runner... with clergy.

First lines: I come before you because I need my authority reinstated. This was a vampire attack.

So we learn:
a) Paul Bettany is a fallen priest. I have ideas on how this happened, though likely the real reason is not so sexy and sordid as I would like to imagine...
b) 'Priest' in this world = sanctified vampire slayer
c) Vampires = evil

All of these facts pique my interest, so I don't need much more convincing to see this movie, but there's two minutes of preview left.

Cue said vampire attack featuring a Sookeh-less Stephen Moyer trying to protect his family, though his screaming daughter seems to indicated he is made of fail in this situation.

Cue VO by Christopher Plummer (now becoming interchangeable with Max von Sidow, which I don't think is bad for either of them) as the head bishop/pope/guru stating how all the people are so safe and trusting that the clergy do all they can to protect them from the horrible vampires (thus confirming the 'priest as sanctified slayer' status).
Horrible Vampires, btw, that seems to resemble elongated cousins of Gollum. Far more evil and therefore likely more enjoyable than mopey vampires, but not nearly as hot.

Pope Plummer threatens excommunication and exile of (massively ripped... semi-tanned... nubile........ I'm back) Priest Bettany if he decides to take slaying matters into his own throwing-star crosses. Thus, Emo Preist and his face-splaying cross-tattoo climb on his futuristic Harley and like a cowboy on the Batbike he's off into the unknown to dust some vamps.
Apparently joined by the requisite Hot Asian Babe, Hot Young Blonde and Really F-in Hot Borderline-Nutjob Rogue, they travel into the heart of Gollumvampland in search of revenge and sexy time.

See above re: vampires not being hot in this film. It is more than made up for by Emo Priest and BN Rogue (and for those who enjoy Asian chicks and Cam Gigandet, they're in it too). The costumer seems to have reached into the illustrations of The Dark Tower and pulled out Roland's clothes for Karl Urban to get his psycho-sexual-rogue on in... and yes, I am one of those people with a 'hot priest' fetish. You've got some random costume exciter in your fantasies as well, so don't judge. Thus, Bettany in priest garb, even with the giant facial henna cross makes any of the cheesetastic, groan-inducing potential of this flick obsolete. I mean, I actually enjoyed Legion so I think this will suit my need for another ass-kicking, ripped-Bettany ride just fine.

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